


to fall, to fall, to fly

by Ray_of_stars



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Counselling, F/M, M/M, So this just happened, Soft andrew, Sucide attempt (?), Yikes, established relationship(s) - Freeform, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 06:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8479168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ray_of_stars/pseuds/Ray_of_stars
Summary: Neil falls. And Andrew isn't there to catch him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for depression/ ptsd and a quasi-suicide attempt.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoy, leave comments!!

Neil didn't _mean_ any of it-- his insults, Andrew's expression faltering and his retreating back-- because a small naive part of him still wanted to believe that Andrew _couldn't_ be hurt. He lets out a disbelieving chuckle; he couldn't even remember what they had fought over.

 

He hasn't heard back from-- _nothing_ \-- his boyfriend for days.

 

Despite the appearance of a few Trojans on the Foxhole Court for a friendly holiday of practice and his reacquaintance with Jean (and his boyfriend Jeremy), his chest feels hollow still.

 

He had taken a leaf out of Kevin's book, willing his sadness away through drinking alcohol. But _nothing_ was working.

 

Matt had called, like he did daily throughout the summer holidays, and had asked carefully if he was okay. Neil was _fine, yes, yes he was_.

 

His last attempt to feel something was to drunk-dial Andrew-- to which he hadn't picked up. Neil had then commenced to leave a voicemail he would most likely regret in the morning.

 

Neil scoffs, taking another swig at the bottle as he stumbles up to the rooftop. He barely acknowledges as a Trojan jostles past him, asking him for something as he keeps going _up, up, up_.

 

This is his home-- **but is living without Andrew really home?** \-- and he fumbles in the darkness unawares, _lost_ , across the rooftop.

 

This is where Andrew had _kissed_ him, touched him, trusted _him_.

 

Neil lets out another wail, loud in the silence. The city is sleeping, but he's never felt more awake. They're living and he feels as if he's drowning, _dying_.

 

 _One step, two step_ , _another_ and he's closer, closer to the edge. He's _flying_. High on spirits and sadness and everything bitter. He's dying. He shuffles to the edge--greeting what had terrified Andrew. It's strange Neil finds a thrill instead of dread.

 

Neil Josten was _nothing_. He had always been nothing, as Andrew had frequently reminded him.

 

Neil _falls_ , he falls, he's falling, flailing and--


	2. im bleeding not broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its taken so long~ someone said not to kill neil off so ;) ;) here you are and enjoy
> 
> Comments are appreciated~♡

\--he's slipping, _slipping_ , drowning in the numbness. He can't breathe. Yet, here he is. A hospital, the familiar layout of the room suggests.

 

When he jerks into full conciousness, eyes wide in panic, there's a nurse by his side.

 

She doesn't notice at first, monitoring his spiking heart rate with worry, jotting details down on her clipboard.

 

He tries to raise a hand for attention, letting out a harsh gasp as his arm doesn't comply.

 

It's only when his groans echo in the room does she notice that he's concious. "Mr Josten?" She carefully adresses him, something fragile in the air as she watches his movements. "I'm going to have to ask you to sit still whilst I call for your doctor."

 

He lets out a sound like a wail when his fingers don't even give a twitch. His eyes are wild, and the nurse is hesitant to leave him in such a state, and instead presses one loving hand into his soft hair.

 

 _My legs_ he tries to scream out, jerking in the bed. I can't _feel_ my feet either. **Mmphhhg** is what comes out instead. He can't- no he can't be having a panic attack in the hospital in such a vulnerable state but the thought of the Moriyamas finding out has him ready to jump out of bed regardless.

 

 _Pathetic_ , he tells himself. Yet, his body doesn't agree, heart rate and breathing escalating.

 

He tries to gesture towards the lower end of his body in panic but the nurse restrains his rolling body into position as the doctors in white coats rush in.

 

Neil Josten falls into unconciousness again, the sounds of loud beeping machines and blinking lights lulling him to sleep.

 

When he wakes this time, there's someone waiting by his side. _Jean_. He can barely make him out in this hazy drugged state. He registers the dull pain in his shoulder and _it's a good sign_ he thinks in relief. Pain should never be a good thing for Neil Josten, yet this is pleasure he finds.

 

"No." Jean notices him awake. Neil freezes in his ministrations and stills. "The doctors might put you to sleep if you freak out again."

 

"Jean." He croaks. "Jean." Neil really cant register why he's crying it's really _embarassing_ but Jean hasnt ever been one to judge.

 

"Neil," Jean replies evenly. "Don't move. They don't know what you've hurt, and where you've been damaged." _You've damaged yourself_ \- the accusation is in there. Neil and Jean (and Kevin) have had it hard but never resorted to suicide.

 

There isn't much to say after that until the doctor arrives, dismissing Jean. Neil, agonised, asks for him to stay. Routine checks are done, and he finds the feeling return to his limbs after his doctor lowers the dosage of his morphine. What a sight he must be, hooked up to all these wires and machines.

 

But Jean is mostly quiet, muttering comforting words in french every now and then.

 

"What happened?" Neil finally asks, when they're alone.

 

" _You_ should know," Jean shoots back. "You were on the roof."

 

"I...didnt _want_ to do anything." Jean rolls his eyes."How am I not dead?" He asks quietly, almost as quiet as the silence they're in.

 

Jean just stares. "You really are stupid Neil. Really really stupid." There are unshed tears in his eyes, but as stubborn as ever, Jean Moreau _does not_ cry. "Jeremy and I were there...we were walking out of Fox Tower towards the court. You were on the roof." He whispers finally, shooting a glare at the striker. "We saw you up there drunk, off your head and _crying_ , Neil, you were crying." His gaze doesnt falter. "We watched you just in case...Jeremy had a feeling something was wrong-- he didn't want to leave. He caught you when you...jumped. "

 

No, is Neil's first reaction; he worked hard for this life, kept running and running and he was _fine_. He is so confused. "I did _not_ jump," is what he settles with.

 

Jean glares: "You broke my boyfriend's shoulder. You did that." Neil gapes. "He won't be able to play for the next few months...because _you_ jumped."

 

"Boyfriend?" Neil balks. "Is it Kevin?"

 

Jean lets a sound akin to a squawk- one of disbelief. "Jeremy. Jeremey Knox. He _saved_ your life." Jean doesn't add that Jeremy had saved his life too. 

 

"What?"

 

"Neil." He asks slowly, but tone impatient. "How hard did you hit your head on his shoulder-- because he _did_ catch you before you splattered yourself on the ground."

 

The striker is unfazed- staring past Jean's shoulder and to the wall. He's dissociating. "Riko." He whispers almost in hysteria. "Where are we? Does he know you're here?"

 

"No." Jean says, horrified, standing up abruptly, face white. "Neil, _stop_ messing with my head."

 

The boy just lets out a wail-- muttering under his breath as he starts to cry, bruised body not handling itself well. Though Jeremy had tried his best to shield Neil from his own dangerous consequences, a propelling body was enough to hurt even an athlete. It was only inevitable Neil had suffered from the fall too. 

 

"Neil. _Listen_ to me. Riko is dead, your father is dead, the Lord is dead. Ichirou is in charge. You are safe. We all are. You are a fox. I am a Trojan." Despite the reinforcements, Jean can feel his own mental functioning spiral out of control. 

 

Neil just continues to sob. "I need to leave. I need to _go_ before they find me." He starts to pull out the wires connecting him to the world of the living, the machines beeping crazily. Jean is frozen. This must be a nightmare. 

 

"Neil, stop-!" He struggles with the striker, well aware of the thundering footsteps rushing towards them. He has never been so thankful for the existence of Andrew Minyard.

 

"Get _away_ from him." Is what the blonde boy snarls upon seeing the scene in the room- Jean pinning Neil back into the bed and the striker crying loudly. 

 

"Andrew he's-"

 

"I'm not going to ask twice," he grits out, already throwing Jean off the uncontrollable striker. "Off."

 

Andrew doesn't throw a punch; he knows they're both here in support of Neil's welfare. Instead he turns to his boyfriend, apathetic expect for the tremble in his face as his eyes sweep over the broken boy. "Neil." He presses a hand to the boy's chest but it still results in struggles.  

 

There's a wrestle between them as Andrew uses appropriate force to hold the boy down with them- physically and mentally- Neil _can't_ run away, not after Andrew had just nearly lost him. 

 

"Stop struggling." The words sound dirty out of his mouth, too many horrors in his memories of old. "Neil, they're trying to help you" a pause as Neil fights back fiercely and then, "please."

 

Jean is still there in his periphery. "This isn't a normal panic attack. I would've been able to talk him down." Neil scratches and kicks and Andrew tightnens his grip grimly. "Andrew," Jean pleads with a sense of defeat and melancholy. "He doesn't-- you're a stranger to him."

 

Andrew tries to let go, he does, but he can't afford to lose Neil again, no matter how wild his actions are. 

 

" _Please_ , Neil, it was my fault, I admit--but stay here. Stay." Another long pause as they continue to wrestle. Jean feels like a criminal, watching the Andrew Minyard be something other than cynical. "I'll be good to you, I promise. I-"

 

Neil tilts up his face as something akin to recognition passes over his feral expression before it fades. He rears his head back to _spit_ in Andrew's face.

 

He seems satisifed when the blonde boy's grips slackens in surprise, before it tightens harshly and they continue to struggle with each other.

 

That's when the doctor's finally arrive. One is clever enough to administer a dose of drug guaranteed to knock Neil out.

 

Neil glares at them all and then Jean, feeling betrayed as the woozy feeling settles in. He needs to run, to leave, not to stay. The blonde boy has let go, but barely as he stands close, emotions well hidden behind a nonchalant mask. Neil needs to _go go go go go_ -

 

"And _who the_ _fuck_ are you to keep me here." Neil spits at the blonde who just blinks back, nothing betraying the despair in his bones. 

 

There's no time. Neil needs to _Go go go go go go go go gogogogog_ -

 

 


End file.
